Men, Never Speak Ill of your Wife

There is a common joke among men that their wives are the ol’ ball-and-chain. Men love to complain about their wives and say “I’d love to come hang out but my wife you know…” It may get a laugh but at what cost? You may think, ‘well, she doesn’t hear it so it won’t hurt her.’ That just isn’t true. The words we speak have power even when they are not heard. Those words affect you as a man and will slowly change your perception of your wife. There may be a grain of truth in those things that you say and as you foster that feeling and talk behind her back, resentment will grow.

There is a children’s book about a dragon living in a house that starts out very small. The boy tells his mom that there is a dragon in the house but she denies it because ‘dragons aren’t real.’ Every time she denies it, it grows bigger and bigger until it takes over their lives. Eventually the family acknowledges that the dragon is real and it goes back to its normal size. The boy says something to the affect of ‘the dragon just needed attention.’

This can be applied to inner resentments and conflicts that we have with our wives. If we deny them and act like they don’t exist, they will grow. If we talk about our problems with our wives behind their backs and not directly to them, the problems will grow. We must talk out the things in our lives that we don’t like so that we can move past them. Either you need to change as a man and grow in patience or your wife can change to adjust to you or more likely something in between. Don’t speak ill of your wife behind her back.

We must also not speak ill of our wives in front of our children. This may be obvious but it can come out in subtle ways as men blame their wives for being a buzz-kill. “You know mom doesn’t like it when we eat candy” or something along those lines. That may seem benign but in reality, it makes your wife the bad guy and you would totally be a cool dad if she would just lay off.

This kind of subtle undermining of your wife will paint a picture of a dis-unified household. The kids will wonder if you and your wife are on the same page and it will create division between you and your wife. You want to present a unified front to your children so they don’t try to work the system going to the parent they think will be more lenient.

Your marriage also sets the stage for what they are going to expect in marriage and how they will treat their spouses. If you speak unkindly about your wife or even to her, your kids will have a warped view of what marriage should be. Your job as the husband is to protect and provide for your family and that includes their emotional well-being as well. You get to set the stage for what the vibe in your family is going to be. So watch your words, listen to the way you talk. Do you build up your wife and kids or do you belittle and undermine? Let’s be men who create environments of honor and flourishing in our homes. What are some of the good qualities in your wife that you can brag on her to your kids about? What are some things you can say to her that you appreciate about her? Meditate on those thoughts.

Say something like “Isn’t it awesome how mom always knows what you need and loves to help you? I bet you’ll be a good mom like that some day.”