Discipline & Coaching

There are many different approaches to discipline and people have just as many opinions. To spank or not to spank. Gentle parenting vs authoritative parenting. Everyone has something to say. I read a couple things last week that really helped put things into perspective.

The first framework was coaching vs. disciplining. In coaching, we are helping our children learn a new skill like doing the dishes or folding and putting away their laundry. In this instance, we act as a coach giving them direction and encouragement and showing them how to do it a few times before releasing them to do it on their own. If they fail during this stage, we teach them again and show them how it is done.

Then there is the discipline stage. They know how to do what we are asking of them but they are just flat out rejecting our instruction. During this stage you get to decide what type of discipline and correction you are going to provide. Some parents try to negotiate, count to three, take away privileges or spank. I don’t think counting or negotiating are ever the answer because it puts the children in the position of power and control. Our job as parents is not to enable our kids and feed their narcissism. We need to teach them that the world doesn’t revolve around them. So I prefer the more creative discipline (depending on the age of the child).

If they refuse to do chores, they get more chores or lose a privilege. For younger kids (5 and under) sometimes a quick spank can teach them that disobedience hurts or that biting dad is not cool. In general, before they are able to reason, a physical reminder can be very helpful. Even if it isn’t a spank, getting down on their level and moving their body to act out the obedience y0u expect from them can be very beneficial.

The second paradigm is along the same lines. It goes something like this:

Is this a new thing they are learning? – Teach them

Are they developing their skill in this area? – Remind them and model for them

Have I taught them and they are just refusing? – Corrective discipline

They key is to know what stage our children are at so that we can respond correctly to the situation. We don’t want to over or under react to the situation. Rebellion needs to be disciplined but incompetence needs to be trained. Be aware of what your kids need and help provide the proper correction or discipline as needed.