Supporting Your Wife During Pregnancy – A Dad’s Guide To Pregnancy
You’re having a baby, that’s awesome!
Now what?
The next few blog posts will be dedicated to helping you bring your little one into the world. As dads enter the modern world, we are taking on more responsibility than we used to in the post-war era of America. Men are more and more present in the upbringing of their children and that includes child birth (and supporting their wives).
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Even though this is a relatively responsibility for the modern man, we can still do a great job and there are a ton of resources out there. Before we get to the delivery of the child, let’s talk about pregnancy.
More from this blog series: A Dad’s Guide to Pregnancy
Disclaimer: Every pregnancy and birth is different. My wife and I decided to have natural births (3 going on 4) but you’ll have to decide what is best for you and your family).
You are going to be all hands on deck during your pregnancy so prepare yourself, physically, emotionally and spiritually to be giving all that you have. I was up early working out at 6am and then preparing breakfast for the kids and my wife, home schooling (ish) the older kids while checking in on my wife in bed and then doing dinner, laundry, trying to work, and then cleaning up the house in the evening. It was brutal but I kept reminding myself that it was a short season and that we were making a human baby. It is also pretty awesome to feel like a super hero.
More from this blog series: A Dad’s Guide to Pregnancy
Morning Sickness
My wife has had terrible morning, afternoon and evening sickness during all 4 pregnancies. Despite the name, sickness can strike at any time. There are many different reasons for this but we recently discovered that it can be causes by a lack of magnesium. Not sure why no one told us this but we discovered it after my wife was done being sick so we didn’t get to test it out.
Mitigate Barfing
Do your research and do your best to mitigate this sickness. If this is your first child, your wife will likely just spend a lot of time on the couch feeling terrible. If this is your fourth child, your wife will need to be semi-functional to keep the other kids alive. My wife needed to be constantly snacking on granola bars and other foods to keep her stomach full. She felt sick when ever she didn’t have food in her. My job was to keep the granola bars flowing and to mix up flavors so she didn’t get sick of them.
Childcare
I have a pretty flexible work schedule so I was able to help support during the 3 months that my wife was feeling terrible. If you aren’t able to be around, consider helping to coordinate playdates with grandparents or other trusted friends.
Meals
Also consider setting up a meal train to help get meals covered. It is important for your wife to get lots of protein and red meat to keep iron levels us but the smell of cooking meat can trigger for the vomit reflex. So having food cooked outside the house can be very helpful. Try to ask for warm, hearty foods like soups that can be reheated over and over again. Read The First 40 Days for more on food for pregnancy and beyond. We have recently started getting our groceries delivered by InstaCart and I highly recommend checking it out. We have gotten a ton of different coupons and only paid $10 for our last order of about $80. (I don’t know if they are just trying to get us hooked, but it’s working)
Door Dasher
During all 4 pregnancies my wife has craved Taco Bell and Dairy Queen and you don’t see me complaining. It was a regular routine for me to run out at about 9pm to grab some greasy beef. I’m sure health experts will tell you that this isn’t a good idea and we don’t make a practice of eating fast food but this is a special time and I recommend savoring it.
Get Prepared
During the first trimester isn’t really the best time to start reading and learning about having a baby since you’ll be basically running the ship (if your wife is sick). But when you get a chance, grab an audio book or start listening to Podcasts about fatherhood. To be taking in information about pregnancy and childbirth will go a long way towards preparing yourself to have a baby. Your wife will appreciate that you have something to bring to the conversation as well. Make sure to take a birthing class together as you get closer to the due date so you can both be prepared on what to expect during the delivery. This was super helpful for my wife and I. We’ll talk more about this is another post.
A few books that I have read and enjoyed (coming soon)
Go to Appointments
This may go without saying but you’ll want to go to appointments with your wife. If you are not having your first child, you’ll have to figure out childcare or go to less appointments (if your wife doesn’t mind) but if this is your first kid, make it a priority to be at the doctors appointments. There can be a lot of jargon and confusing language and it will help for you to be there to help make sense of things and ask follow up questions. My wife has a hard time when her belly is covered in jelly to be fully present. Some questions you can ask are “what does that mean?” or “are there any other options?” or “why?”
Doctors tend to talk fast and want to get through your appointment as fast as possible. Come with questions to ask and make sure they give you the time of day. If you wife brings something up during the week, have a note page on your phone where you write down all the questions that you have so you don’t forget anything.
This is another great opportunity for you to get educated. Ask questions about breastfeeding or co-sleeping or whatever else you’re wondering about. Doctors are there to serve you, make the most of those appointments.
You’ll also want to be there to calm nerves in case anything abnormal comes up in the ultrasound or other tests. Having a kid can be a really scary thing, especially with how much we can know now in the modern age. Every little blip or smudge could be something devastating or nothing at all. Be the rock for your wife and don’t get the cart in front of the horse. Your child will most likely be fine so don’t let your mind go down the ‘worst-case scenario’ road.
Listen Up
When your wife is talking, listen. Don’t try to fix things or convince her that she is wrong. Listen, empathize and then serve however you can. There are a lot of things going on with your wife’s body and hormones and trying to solve every problem is not going to work. Sometimes she will be sad for no reason, (or for a reason you don’t understand) so learn to just sit with her in that and comfort her. My wife just wants me to be close to her and see her during pregnancy. Check in every evening to see how she is doing and how you can better serve her.
Stupid Questions (Good Intentions)
When people find out you are having a baby, they are going to say stupid things like ‘you know how that happens right?’ or ‘on purpose?’ or ‘buckle up, it’s going to be crazy’ or ‘are you excited?’
I never know how to respond to these people except by saying ‘oh yea, no we like our kids and chose to have another one on purpose.’ Or ‘yes, I’m looking forward to having another one, they are really great.’
I try to respond with grace and tact but it gets pretty annoying. At least it’ll prepare you for when some old grandma comes up at the grocery store to tell you that your baby is missing a sock and then talking to the baby ‘does your dad know your toes are cold?’ Your baby will cry if they are cold… you don’t need a grandma to come drive-by shame you. I digress. A quick note, if you see a pregnant woman or a young mom, say something nice and encouraging. “She’s so cute” or “nice work” are great things to say.
More from this blog series: A Dad’s Guide to Pregnancy
Conclusion
You are having a baby!
That is awesome. You have 9 months to prepare for probably the most life-changing event in your life and then after that you’ll have time to grow with your child. There is no reason to stress, people have been doing this for thousands of years. This will be great training for you to take initiative, practice good communication with your wife and learn to tackle some domestic duties that might not be in your wheelhouse. The best thing you can do is join a community of men striving to be good dads. Follow the DadWise Instagram and YouTube Channel to get daily(ish) doses of fatherhood content and also be on the look out for DadWise Courses and the Facebook community that will be coming out soon.