In the next few blog posts (in honor of my 4th child coming soon!) we are talking about how to prepare for your baby to enter the world. Dads have a huge part to play in the rearing of children and that starts prenatally (is that a word?)… before the baby comes out. Your wife is obviously doing the heavy lifting on this one but we can be there to support (physically, emotionally, spiritually) and provide leadership. It can be hard to lead if you don’t have any concept of what is going on and what to expect, which is why you are reading these blogs. Today we are going to discuss a few different topics that you and your wife should talk about before the baby comes. You don’t have to have everything figured out and these would be great conversations to bring up with your midwife or doctor when you are at appointments too.

More from this blog series: A Dad’s Guide to Pregnancy

Get the free DadWise Birth-plan

Conversations to start:

Identity Change

You and your wife are both going to go through some major identity changes over the next few months. You are no longer just Jane and John, you are mother and father. Let that sink in… Nothing will change you and define you as much as your role as father and mother will. This can be a roller coaster of emotions for both you and your wife.

There may be a mourning process of the death of your old life. The season where it was just you two frolicking around with not a care in the world are over now. It is time to raise a human being. My wife had to spend some time mourning the fact that her body would never be the same again and I had to come to terms with the fact that I would have much less time for stupid things like video games and chillin with the homies. These things seem small now as I look back on them and see the blessing of our three (almost 4 children) but at the time, they seemed like a bit deal.

Along with mourning, there will be celebrating and anticipating. You are taking on a new mantle of authority and if worn well, this can propel you to be the best man that you can be. Men, in general, thrive when more is expected and asked of them and that is basically the definition of fatherhood. You are building a team and you are the coach. How you lead and love will be the biggest factor in how your children turn out and whether or not your marriage flourishes during this season.

Talk with your wife about these things. Ask her how she is feeling and what she is thinking about during this season. Tell her your vision for your family and how you hope to support and lead her. (If you need help developing a vision for your family, grab the Family Game Plan PDF for free)

Where to have the baby

Are you going to have the baby at the hospital or at a birth house or at home? There are pros and cons to both but I will tell you about our experience with the birth house and you can read other perspectives elsewhere.

We have had all 3 children natural and at the birth house with just me and a midwife present. The birth house is about 2 minutes from our house and is very chill. Their focus is on empowering women and allowing them to step into their God-given role as mother and child-bearer. They provide classes to help women understand their bodies and encourage them that they were made for this and don’t need to fear. I love the attitude that they instill in the women they care for because, instead of running from pain, they encourage moms to think of it as a right of passage and a natural and beautiful thing.

Here are a few of the pros we’ve noticed:

Laid back attitude

We get full control of the birth. No one tells us what to do. The midwife comes in as needed throughout the birthing process but doesn’t push anything on us.

We go home same day. In most cases we were home a few hours after our babies were born.

Homey environment. The birth house is literally a house with 3 birthing rooms. Each has a king bed, giant tub, medicine balls and sound system for setting the mood.

Empowering attitude (discussed above)

Some Cons:

If you need more direction or want an epidural, this is not the way to go. Our birth house just introduced laughing gas or nitrous oxide to help calm mothers down but that is all they offer (besides support and medical attention). If there are complications, you’ll have to go to the hospital which can be a tough transition during labor. The midwives hands-off approach might not be best for some people who like to be constantly monitored and are a more nervous personality.

There is a movement of people who decide to just have the baby at their house with no medical intervention at all, trusting your body and support team to take care of you throughout the process. I’d be more comfortable with this after our first child but we liked the middle ground of the birth house.

Doula

Will you hire a doula? This is basically like a birthing assistant that is there to help support your wife and walk her through the labor process. This is basically the role I played so we didn’t hire a doula. We really liked our midwives but they didn’t provide much coaching during the labor process. We would have liked a bit more presence during our 3rd birthing experience and so a doula might have been helpful. You’ll just need to interview them and make sure they are a good fit. You don’t want someone with whacky energy or bad vibes being in the room with you. If you have a friend who has used one, go with their recommendation. Doulas can be a game-changer for your birthing experience.

Circumcision

If you’re having a boy, you’ll have to decide if you are going to circumcise them. There are a lot of opinions about this but the main argument is that it is done for cleanliness and sanitation purposes and because they did it in the Bible or because dads want their boys penises to look like theirs. We decided not to circumcise any of our boys because it just seemed needlessly brutal. We’re not too worried about the aesthetics of the penis, we can teach them to clean and wash properly and Paul told New Testament Christians that they didn’t need to be circumcised. If our boys want to get circumcised later in life, they are free to do so. We didn’t feel strongly enough to make that decision for them.

In the end it is your decision and you’ll have to discuss this with your wife and doctor.

Vaccines

Vaccines are a hot topic right now and people have all sorts of different opinions. If you talk to a doctor, they are going to recommend you do em all, hook-line and sinker. Other people will say that you shouldn’t do any… We fall somewhere in between. Our first child got the whole regimen of vaccines and he turned out fine. Our third I don’t think has any and our middle has about half. We are homeschooling so there is no reason to get all the vaccines done before a certain age and we’ve gone with the modified/delayed approach. The Rogan episode with Robert Kennedy might be enough to get you to rethink the mainstream narrative around vaccines.

If nothing else, talk to your doctor about what each vaccine does and which ones they think are most important. Remember, they can’t make you do anything. They can only recommend. This is your child. Ask them what each one does, if you can delay vaccinations, come back later after you think about it, etc. Some doctors can be real D-Bags about this but whatever, stand-up for yourself and do what you want.

Medical Leave and Finances

People say babies are expensive and that can be true if you go crazy buying a ton of bougie stuff that you don’t need. I’ve done a post about the bare minimum things you need for a new baby and it can be done for less than $500. The real financial burden can come from the loss of income from one or both parents. The United States has a pretty garbage maternity and paternity leave policy (do they hate children?), so you’ll have to wade through this one on your own. I have a pretty flexible schedule and own my own business so I can take time off whenever I want. This also means I don’t get paid when I don’t work. So after our children are born, I usually try to take a couple weeks off but sneak out for big jobs if the in-laws are in town. We also have paid family medical leave in Washington State that will give me three months of leave over the next year after my child is born. This is a big bonus for us and helps me feel better about staying home to support my wife.

Whatever you decide to do, make sure you factor in the shifts that will happen in your wife after she has a kid. She will likely be much less interested in work for at least 6 months after the baby is born and probably won’t want to be away from your child that long. This is a good instinct and shouldn’t be stifled. Mothers should try to breast feed for as long as possible. It is good for their hormones, and the baby’s health. If there is a way you can take extra shifts or pare down spending to allow your wife to stay home with your child for at least this short season, do it. Sell the car, cancel some memberships, renegotiate insurance premiums.

This is also a good time to start thinking about life insurance and writing up a will. Talk to a financial planner and a lawyer about all this stuff.

Breastfeeding

We just touched on this briefly, but this is a huge topic that needs to be discussed with your wife. Some people struggle to breastfeed because their child has a strange latch or something else isn’t quite right but in general, you should try to breastfeed for as long as possible. The health benefits are enormous for both the baby and the mother. If pumping needs to happen, then pump but there is something magical about the mouth to skin contact.

Protect this time.

This is essential for bonding and for the mental health of your wife. It releases all sorts of hormones and endorphins that will help regulate and stabilize both the baby and your wife after such an intense experience. There are lactation consultants that can help with the latch and the midwife or doula can help out with that first latch too. Obviously consult your doctor or midwife and talk with your wife about it, but this is a big deal. Try your best to shape your life in a way that will allow your wife this time.

Family

Who is going to be there to support you after the baby is born? Who is going to watch the kids during labor? This is something that you’ll need to figure out. In-laws and mothers are perfect for this. My wife’s parents always come to town when we have a baby and wait for the call. They watch the kids while we labor and then take care of the house/kids postpartum. This is essential. Find someone to help you out as much as they are willing. Lean on your community and family.

Food

What kind of food are you going to want to eat after pregnancy? Who is going to cook it? Do you want to start a meal train? Figure out how your wife is going to get nourishment after the grueling hours of pregnancy. Read the first 40 days book for inspiration on this.

Bonus

This can be a stressful time for your wife and it is important not to just be talking logistics the whole time. Seek to connect on an emotional level and tell her she is beautiful. That will go a long way when she is feeling vulnerable and not quite her self.

Conclusion

These topics of discussion should keep you busy for the 9 months that you are expecting your child and I’m sure more will come up as well. Keep an open mind and ask good questions of your wife, your friends and family and your midwife or doctor. There is a ton of learning to be done during this season of life so make sure you grab some books and keep reading this series of blog posts.

Get the free DadWise Birth-plan